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The Ormston Extra!
Volume 1, Number 1

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Page One

** Hot Weather **

Hot weather has children in the neighborhood seeking local garden hoses for comfort! 'This is fun!' shout the very wet children with great enthusiasm. The local garden hose could not be persuaded to comment.
Smart Mark Sez:

Game playing wiz, Mark Ormston, claims that game playing has helped make him what he is today; a healthy, well-adjusted boy. 'Games are cool' says Mark. 'I like them!'
Contest Winners:
What has happened to the Ormston Family cat? Was he attacked by strange creatures? Or perhaps he was hit on the head by a pteridactyl egg?
Whatever the reason, Shadow the cat has gone totally wacko! Evidence has it that he has been going for joyrides in the clothes dryer! This silly cat has taken a distinct disliking to ordinary cat food. No kitty kibbles for this cat! No sireebob! This silly creature much perfers the tastey morsels dropped to the floor by the innocent little human known as Amber Bamber. Such morsels include, but are not limited to: soggy bits of tasteless cereal, miniscule droplets of milk, and other things that would only appeal to a two year old and her cat. Perhaps the strange shared diet is a major cause for both the small human and her furry pet to have such difficulty with bladder control. Further study may be required.

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Page Two

Where in the world is daddy now?

This is the number one question asked by the Ormston children today. With the help of a large world atlas, it is not too difficult to try to pinpoint his location within a 500 mile radius!
Other questions include the ever popular 'When is daddy coming home?' and 'How fast does the ship go?'. I can answer the first question easily enough, but can only accurately determine the correct response for the ship's speed when it is at anchor.
Juliet has asked 'Will he eat tropical fruit?'
Mark says 'You spend all your time eating and playing on the computer. Is there anything else you do for fun?'
Juliet doesn't think eating is very much fun. She thinks he only plays on the computer.

What has this woman so distressed? Could it be invaders from outer space? Not likely. Perhaps strange toilet beings from the fifth dimension? No, that was a now defunct pop group. Maybe it is fear of the stupidest cat in the world? No, that isn't even close.

This woman lives in constant fear that her husband will unwittingly damage himself on the job! After all, water and electricity don't mix!

Her message:
Be careful Honey!

We hereby bring you this
Mark Ormston has gotten
high scores in:
Mouse Trap
Boulder Dash
Wall Wars
and Alleycat!

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Page Three

Nowadays, a murderer is someone who is innocent until proven insane!

Conceit is God's gift to little men.

In most instances, all an arguement proves is that two people are present.

When you get kicked from the rear, it means you were in front.

The thunder god went for a ride on his favorite filly.
'I'm Thor!' he shouted.
The horse replied: 'You forgot your thaddle, thilly!'

Jill: Are you an only child?
Bill: No, I used to be twins.
Jill: When were you twins?
Bill: My father has a picture of me when I was two.

; A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog playing cards. The dog was playing extremely well.
'That is a very smart dog,' commented the man.
'He's not so smart,' said one of the players. 'Every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail!'

Q: What is the difference between a doctor and a preacher?
A: One practices and the other preaches
The Toilet that Came to Life
a work of strange fiction

One day, for no particular reason, Richard decided to drop some money into the toilet. After he flushed it, he heard the toilet say 'Thank you!'
Richard jumped back in surprise as the toilet lid suddenly became a periscopic eyeball that blinked at him wonderingly. This is no ordinary toilet, thought Richard. He jumped in surprise again as the toilet suddenly sprouted legs! The seat became a large mouth that opened menacingly. Richard was so surprised that he forgot to be scared.
'My name is Jonny," said the toilet. 'I come from the planet Pooey!'
'That's a funny name for a planet!' said Richard. Richard laughed behind his hands. 'Where is my money?' he asked.
'I swallowed it, of course,' said the toilet matter-of-factly. 'It brought me to life.'
'Really?' said Richard. 'It must be magical!'
'On Pooey everyone eats money all the time,' explained Jonny. It keeps us working properly."
'What happens to you if you don't get enough to eat?' asked Richard curiously.
'We turn back into regular toilets,' explained the toilet carefully. 'Of course, our favorite food is LITTLE BOYS!'
With that, the wicked creature leaped to attack Richard. The boy screamed very loudly and raced into the living room. 'Help, help!' cried Richard. He ran around and around the room with Jonny chasing close behind him. Finally the creature became exhausted and turned back into an ordinary toilet. Richard collapsed.
When mom came home, she was surprised to see a toilet in the middle of the living room. 'What happened?' she asked
'Well..." began Richard...


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